Health update

Hello Dear Ones!
As I logged in to update you on the next phase in my cancer journey, I realized I haven't been on here since March! So let me esplain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. (he he)

So it took about two months to finish the expansion. It was not too bad of a process. Mostly uncomfortable but not really painful. And in the middle of it I started the hormone blocker Tamoxifen.

I was very thankful I didn't need chemo or radiation. And, if the funky little tumor cluster wasn't in my lymph nodes, I wouldn't have to take the medicine. But alas, that was not the case. It's not so bad taking the little white pill each day. Just a few side effects that are annoying but not harmful.

My doctor likes to wait 6 months with the expanders so they get real comfy before changing out the expanders for the implants. They are pretty uncomfortable, especially when I sleep so I'm ready to see these go! And today I had my pre-op exam. SO..... August 1st is my phase 2 surgery. It won't be as extensive as the last one but it's still major surgery and it will still take time to recover.

I'm thankful for friends who will take care of me and the kids for the first few days. And I should be back to semi-normal by the time school starts on the 18th. :)

On the non-cancer front, the kids finished the school year and we started summer vacation quietly. The waterpark, creek days and hanging out with friends pretty much sums it up so far. The kids headed to Hume Lake for church camp last Sunday and I am excited to see them tomorrow. I enjoyed my time alone but I'm definitely ready for some house noise again. :)

Next week, Jehnie and the girls come for a visit and will be here a little over a week! I'm so looking forward to hugging my grandkids and hanging with Jehnie!!! When she goes home, I head for surgery, so that will be the end of the summer fun.

That's all for now. Thankful for each one of you! Your love and prayers mean so much!

Fully Trusting Him,
Karla

Your Impact

Have you ever wondered what kind of impact you'll leave when you're gone?

It's been 6 years since Jim died and I still see the legacy he left.

       His kids, Jehnie, Abbie and Jimmy, all reflect him in some way. Things he said or did still permeate our lives, whether it's the way I fold t-shirts or the way my kids say something like he did. Or especially the things he taught me, as he learned through seminary, that I find myself telling others. The hole may be large where he is missing in our lives yet what he left imprinted in each of us can never be taken away.

It was special to see the memories of his impact on others flood my Facebook page today. Here are just a few:

Every year, this day is one of the hardest days I will face, and every year I post this picture in memory of you. I cannot believe it has been six years since you left us. I always imagine where I'd be if you were still here to give me your guidance. I miss you so damn much, Pastor Cutts. The things you did for me and the love you showed me, was something I was never shown again. I was a 14 year old troublemaker with nothing to offer, and you were the one who looked past that. You took me in and showed me a love that was so unconditional it was almost scary. You helped me find purpose and meaning. I don't know why you had to leave, and I will never fully understand it. Life is testing me now more than ever and I wish more than anything to be able to pick up my phone and call you and hear your advice or listen to you laugh at one of my stupid jokes that no one else finds funny. I love you, Pastor Cutts. In this world today, there is so much negativity and you were the solution. Your faith was the most inspiring thing I have ever witnessed. Please continue to watch over us and help guide me through life. I hope to see you again someday. This tattoo keeps you with me permanently. It's a good reminder to do the right thing..... To God alone, be the glory. ††

*******

I would say today was the best March 4th I've had in 6 years. This last year has been about experiencing life without my dad, but looking for his fingerprints he left behind. Being with his side of the family so much has been bittersweet. When I'm with them I can feel his presence in an almost tangible way, which hurts my heart more than I can bear at times. This last year I've been able to shift my focus from his physical absence to how he has impacted my life and how he is here with me in everything I do. I've come to the point where I can appreciate him more than I miss him--I just hope I can maintain that focus. Grieving the unexpected loss of my Dad has been a journey I never wanted to take, but saying that, it gives me an understanding and an ability to connect with others who have lost their fathers/mothers. This has been such a huge blessing as I can encourage and commiserate and laugh and cry and sit comfortably in silence with my friends more than many others could. Grief sucks, but it's easier with people who get the suckiness. Today was a good day. Tomorrow will be a better day. And there may be a few shitty days out there but I'll get through them just in time for another good day. March 4th will never be an easy day to get through, but it can still be a good day. Until I hug him again I'll see him in my daughters' faces, in my brother's sneezes, and in my sister's logical way of working things out.

********

Karla, Jehnie, Abbey, Lil Jimmy...I just want you all to know I loved Jim so much as a friend who encouraged me to not give up on life at a time when I was consumed with thoughts of giving up. He wrote me "love letters"! totally unheard of for a man to do for another man. Those letters kept me alive. I still have them. He was my "BEST" man in my wedding. I will never, ever forget that amazing, one of a kind laugh, his crazy sense of humor, and his absolute devotion to Jesus. I will miss him till I see him, but I am sure I can never miss him or love him as much as the 4 of you. The best gift I can give Jim is to love you all as best I can, and live the rest of my life to Honor Jesus...I promise to do my best....I love you all.....Bob....see you soon Jim.....smil

Jim wasn't any different than you or I. He just lived his faith out every day to the fullest. Yes, he was a pastor so that was his 'job' but only for less than 2 years. If you knew him BEFORE seminary, you'd know he lived that way then as well.  Seminary just brought clarity to his theology and purpose.

I was challenged today in Bible Study. Talking about the Shield of Faith, the speaker said "Whatever God is calling you to step out and do... write a blog, call a friend, take in a foster child, make time for family dinners, speak to thousands or to one... step out... take the Faith Leap and His SHIELD will be there to protect you from those fiery arrows that distract you from His purpose for you.

Jim lived that and I am challenged to as well. Stepping out in obedience to what HE has for me each day.
...the mundane of house cleaning and carpool
...stopping to talk to whomever He prompts me
...speaking the truth, out loud, when fear and doubt cloud my way
...writing a blog about God's work in my life
...believing I have worth. I am a child loved by a GREAT BIG GOD!

I will always love you Jim. I will always miss you. I will see you again, for sure! Until then, I will live this life with Faith in Jesus.

Fully Trusting Him,
Karla

Home and Happy

First of all I'm positive that prayer works! I'm praising God for all of your prayers! You all tapped into God's healing power and I'm reaping the benefits of your prayers! 

I am completely blessed by the doctors God has given me. Both the surgeon and the plastic surgeon are Christians and prayed with me before surgery! The surgery lasted a bit longer than they thought but I woke up just fine and was up and walking a couple of hours after surgery and then home Saturday by noon. I'm definitely in a lot of pain but the meds they gave me are keeping it tolerable. It's better every day. I feel like I can move another part of me easier every day. 

Sat and Sun my sis in love Sherry cared for me so wonderfully while the kids were gone. Both the kids and dogs were kept by friends an extra night and everyone came home this morning. The extra night was actually really good for me, I was able to nap quite a bit.  She will be missed when she goes home Wed.

Now that the kids and fur kids are home I'm finding myself up more (it's a good thing). They are doing great at helping Aunt Sherry with house stuff and me with resting and filling my water or getting things out of my reach. The dogs are a great blanket!

I can't say enough how much I appreciate and love each and every one of you! God has blessed me richly with family and friends. I know thank you isn't adequate but for now it's all I have.

Prayer requests:
**Continued healing for me. Pray the drains come out sooner than later.
**For the kids to have good attitudes and helpful hearts.
**The Love of Jesus would shine in and from this home to all who come by.

Merry Christmas!
Fully Trusting Him,
Karla

Meals

Some of you asked about providing meals.  My church had set up the link.

http://www.takethemameal.com/meals.php?t=NJKL4885

Please don't feel obligated to sign up. I'm very thankful for the many who are willing to help in many different ways and for all the prayers.

Fully trusting him,
Karla

The Beginning of the End

It's good to have an end in mind. At least I think so when it comes to this cancer journey. My end is two years. The plastic surgeon's goal is in two years I won't be thinking about cancer or reconstruction or any of it. It helps to have an end goal when you know the beginning will be rough. 

My surgery is scheduled for Friday December 18th. A 3 hour surgery and an overnight stay at the Ritz (maybe two) and I'll be home recovering while the kids are out of school for the Christmas break. This will start the beginning of the end. 

***

Thankful? Seems hard at time but I am thankful for many things. 

This past week we were blessed to spend some wonderful time with Jehnie and the girls, 5 Sisters-in-love (Jeff's included in that 5) and their families. We had snow, a 5k fun run, lots of good food and wonderful fellowship family time. 

It may sound weird but I am thankful my kids are wrestling with this cancer journey with me. It's giving me opportunities to model relying on God and His WORD for comfort. Only God really knows the outcome of this surgery. We all need to TRUST Him for provision even if the worst happens. 

Psalm 31:14-15
But I trust in you, LORD!
I will say, "You are my God!"
My times are in your hands.

I'm thankful for the wonderful doctors. Even the natural med doctor (who I love!) confirmed my decision for surgery and gave me guidance to get my health on track and working properly.

Thankful that my daughter is getting on the low/no sugar life. She's finding she feels better and when she had a piece of candy today it didn't sit well with her. 

Thankful for Jimmy's mentor who's available and encouraging to Jimmy.

One of my sis-in-loves is coming to stay with me after surgery. YAY!

The myriad of people at church who offer to help and really mean it. I love this church family!

For a friend who has volunteered to clean my house. What a blessing!

***

How can you pray?

A typical, if not speedy, recovery would be nice. It's not going to be pleasant but I'm praying for no complications and quick healing.

Energy for Christmas. I'm almost ready. Decorations up, presents bought. I just need to wrap before the 18th and I'll be done. But on Christmas Day I pray I am able to participate in the family time.

That the kids would have a fun weekend with friends while I have surgery. That they won't worry too much.

That this time in the hospital would give me even more opportunities to share Jesus.

***

How can you help?

My church will set up meals to provide if that's your gifting. I'll post the link here when it's set up.

If you want to take one or both of my kids along with yours for a fun outing during Christmas break they would love it!

Rides for the kids. Youth group and karate are the main two I can think of.

***

I leave you with these final thoughts from Psalm 13. It starts out very grim but I love the ending verses. Such hope!

This Psalm spoke volumes to me when Jim died and replacing 'enemies' with grief or cancer helps me put my specific struggles into God's unfailing, loving, trustworthy hands.

Psalm 13

1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

    How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

    How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me.

Thank you all! Love you tons!

Fully Trusting Him,
Karla

Decisions, decisions and more decisions!

Hello All!

It's been a while... I've done a lot of research and spent a ton of time in prayer over these past few weeks since finding out the cancer is still there. I'll just lay it out what I've decided and what is still left to decide. So sit back and get comfy cuz this is long.

Decision #1 Mastectomy is the choice I'm making. I'm pulling and Angelina Jolie, as Jehnie would say. There is a possibility that the cancer could show up in the other breast and I do not want to have to go through this twice so off with them both! 

Decision #2 Reconstruction... seems simple enough. Make new ones to replace the bad ones. I get to decide whether I want implants or tissue transplant. 

So I decided this ^^^ before I went to the Oncologist last Monday. I like him very much and appreciate his explanations and bedside manner. The tumor cells in my lymph nodes are so small that they are an unknown. The ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) by nature does not break off and travel so what ever is in the lymph nodes tells him that there may be something else in that breast which is another good reason to take it off. By removing everything I will NOT need radiation for which I'm very thankful. He did say I should take a hormone blocking pill for 5 years. I'm not thrilled about it and still haven't made my decision about that.

Yesterday I saw the Plastic Surgeon and was pretty overwhelmed when I left her office. She was very optimistic that I could get good results with reconstruction. Some hopes were dashed and some benefits were found out. Like I said before I have two options for reconstruction.

The option I was really interested in was the tissue transfer. It's where they take belly fat to make new breasts. Sounded like a double bonus until she explained that the procedure is really more like a transplant. It's a 10-12  hour microscopic surgery to attach blood vessels and it's a week long hospital stay in ICU to watch for signs of rejection. Once the surgery is done I'll probably not need another one. The results feel more life like but there is a possibility one or both sides could reject and then I'm back to square one. Also, if I gain or lose weight (I'm working on the latter) you guessed it... I'd gain/lose there as well. I went in thinking this was ideal and came out thinking not so much.
           
Implants are just that silicone or saline put in to replace what is taken out. That requires two surgeries. One to do the mastectomy and put in tissue expanders to make room for the implant. Every week the expanders get increased until it's the size I want then I wait for 6 months to let the skin adjust to the new shape. The other to put the implants in. It a long process starting with an overnight stay in the hospital and I'll be limited in movement and lifting weight. There is follow up surgeries to adjust and shape and it's possible I'd need them replaced at some point down the road but that's 10+ years and it's not common. (Side note: I may be pulling an Angelina but I'm not pulling a Dolly, ha!)

Decision #3 Implants. For me it's the best choice. 

One of the things she said that I appreciated, but was a 'dashed hope', was her goal is two years. Her goal is that by the two year mark I wouldn't be thinking about my reconstruction, my cancer, surgery. I hoped that I'd have one surgery to take out the bad and put in the new and be done. But she said if I do it that way results aren't as good than if I would take the 6 months to expand and rest before implants. So the journey continues and hopefully by next Christmas I'll be completely done. ;)

I have two more appointments next week. One with my surgeon and one with the natural medicine doctor to start boosting my immune system. I'll try to update again after that.

Now there are some very valid reasons to be depressed or upset or sad with this news.  Like the fact that I cannot keep what fed and nurtured my babies. Or I will lose most of the feeling in my breasts. Does that define me as a mother or a woman?  Should it matter? Well, whether it should or not, it does. I know who I am in Christ and I'm confident in my femininity but there is a part of me that will be grieving the loss of this part of me. I've already grieved the loss of part of my heart when God called Jim home and now I will need to grieve losing what can define a woman/wife/mother. I feel silly saying it but I know that when I looked in the mirror after the lumpectomy I was shocked and a little sad I wouldn't look the same ever again. It's going to be significantly greater this time. 

That's all for now. Thank you for continuing to pray for me and the kids. I truly feel your prayers and I'm so grateful for your love and support. God is still good and He loves me and I'll never stop loving Him.

Fully Trusting Him,
Karla

God is still God...

Well it's been two weeks since surgery and I'm healing nicely. The surgery day was just what I'd prayed for. Lots of joy and sharing love with those around us. Good techs, nurses and doctors around me. I felt peace. 

Recovery has gone smoothly as well. I've very little pain and every day I'm getting more energy. I'm almost back to normal. God is so good!

I had my follow up yesterday from surgery. I had determined in my mind, since I didn't hear from the doctor about the pathology, they didn't find anything. The cancer was gone and I was going to tell the doctor that since I'm now cancer free I'm choosing to not do radiation but instead build my immune system naturally to keep any cancer from coming back. Both my friends who have walked with me on this journey weren't able to make it but I knew I'd be ok. I was confident that this was the end of my cancer journey.

God has other plans for me. The cancer spot measured on the mammogram was 0.6cm the lump the doctor removed was 6.0cm. Plenty of room to get clear boarders right? Sadly that is not the case. Apparently I'm not done with my cancer journey so please pray for wisdom as to my next course of treatments. Thankfully, I have options and I'm prayerfully considering each one. I know no matter what I choose God is still in control, my true friends and family will support me, and I'm going to praise God no matter what.

My top three choices are:
another lumpectomy hoping to get clear boarders
mastectomy with reconstruction
a cancer treatment center for less or non-invasive treatment

I know many may have polar opposite opinions on the best course of action for me but I'm prayerfully and carefully considering MY options and the best plan for ME and my kids. The best thing you can do for me is to pray. For wisdom, peace, healing, faith, determination, and anything else God brings to your mind. 

Lamentations 3:19-25

I remember my affliction and my wandering,
    the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
    and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have HOPE:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him;

I will say you are my GOD; I trust in You! 
My life is in Your hands. Psalm 31:14-15

Do not grieve, for the Joy of the Lord is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

His Loving Kindness Endures Forever! Psalm 136

God is still God... He is NOT surprised by this nor has He abandoned me to it. I will continue to TRUST Him and rely on HIS Word as a promise to NEVER leave me or forsake me.

GOD'S GOT THIS and I'm going to continue to kick cancer in the big fat A**!!!!

Fully Trusting Him,
Karla