Health update

Hello Dear Ones!
As I logged in to update you on the next phase in my cancer journey, I realized I haven't been on here since March! So let me esplain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. (he he)

So it took about two months to finish the expansion. It was not too bad of a process. Mostly uncomfortable but not really painful. And in the middle of it I started the hormone blocker Tamoxifen.

I was very thankful I didn't need chemo or radiation. And, if the funky little tumor cluster wasn't in my lymph nodes, I wouldn't have to take the medicine. But alas, that was not the case. It's not so bad taking the little white pill each day. Just a few side effects that are annoying but not harmful.

My doctor likes to wait 6 months with the expanders so they get real comfy before changing out the expanders for the implants. They are pretty uncomfortable, especially when I sleep so I'm ready to see these go! And today I had my pre-op exam. SO..... August 1st is my phase 2 surgery. It won't be as extensive as the last one but it's still major surgery and it will still take time to recover.

I'm thankful for friends who will take care of me and the kids for the first few days. And I should be back to semi-normal by the time school starts on the 18th. :)

On the non-cancer front, the kids finished the school year and we started summer vacation quietly. The waterpark, creek days and hanging out with friends pretty much sums it up so far. The kids headed to Hume Lake for church camp last Sunday and I am excited to see them tomorrow. I enjoyed my time alone but I'm definitely ready for some house noise again. :)

Next week, Jehnie and the girls come for a visit and will be here a little over a week! I'm so looking forward to hugging my grandkids and hanging with Jehnie!!! When she goes home, I head for surgery, so that will be the end of the summer fun.

That's all for now. Thankful for each one of you! Your love and prayers mean so much!

Fully Trusting Him,
Karla

Your Impact

Have you ever wondered what kind of impact you'll leave when you're gone?

It's been 6 years since Jim died and I still see the legacy he left.

       His kids, Jehnie, Abbie and Jimmy, all reflect him in some way. Things he said or did still permeate our lives, whether it's the way I fold t-shirts or the way my kids say something like he did. Or especially the things he taught me, as he learned through seminary, that I find myself telling others. The hole may be large where he is missing in our lives yet what he left imprinted in each of us can never be taken away.

It was special to see the memories of his impact on others flood my Facebook page today. Here are just a few:

Every year, this day is one of the hardest days I will face, and every year I post this picture in memory of you. I cannot believe it has been six years since you left us. I always imagine where I'd be if you were still here to give me your guidance. I miss you so damn much, Pastor Cutts. The things you did for me and the love you showed me, was something I was never shown again. I was a 14 year old troublemaker with nothing to offer, and you were the one who looked past that. You took me in and showed me a love that was so unconditional it was almost scary. You helped me find purpose and meaning. I don't know why you had to leave, and I will never fully understand it. Life is testing me now more than ever and I wish more than anything to be able to pick up my phone and call you and hear your advice or listen to you laugh at one of my stupid jokes that no one else finds funny. I love you, Pastor Cutts. In this world today, there is so much negativity and you were the solution. Your faith was the most inspiring thing I have ever witnessed. Please continue to watch over us and help guide me through life. I hope to see you again someday. This tattoo keeps you with me permanently. It's a good reminder to do the right thing..... To God alone, be the glory. ††

*******

I would say today was the best March 4th I've had in 6 years. This last year has been about experiencing life without my dad, but looking for his fingerprints he left behind. Being with his side of the family so much has been bittersweet. When I'm with them I can feel his presence in an almost tangible way, which hurts my heart more than I can bear at times. This last year I've been able to shift my focus from his physical absence to how he has impacted my life and how he is here with me in everything I do. I've come to the point where I can appreciate him more than I miss him--I just hope I can maintain that focus. Grieving the unexpected loss of my Dad has been a journey I never wanted to take, but saying that, it gives me an understanding and an ability to connect with others who have lost their fathers/mothers. This has been such a huge blessing as I can encourage and commiserate and laugh and cry and sit comfortably in silence with my friends more than many others could. Grief sucks, but it's easier with people who get the suckiness. Today was a good day. Tomorrow will be a better day. And there may be a few shitty days out there but I'll get through them just in time for another good day. March 4th will never be an easy day to get through, but it can still be a good day. Until I hug him again I'll see him in my daughters' faces, in my brother's sneezes, and in my sister's logical way of working things out.

********

Karla, Jehnie, Abbey, Lil Jimmy...I just want you all to know I loved Jim so much as a friend who encouraged me to not give up on life at a time when I was consumed with thoughts of giving up. He wrote me "love letters"! totally unheard of for a man to do for another man. Those letters kept me alive. I still have them. He was my "BEST" man in my wedding. I will never, ever forget that amazing, one of a kind laugh, his crazy sense of humor, and his absolute devotion to Jesus. I will miss him till I see him, but I am sure I can never miss him or love him as much as the 4 of you. The best gift I can give Jim is to love you all as best I can, and live the rest of my life to Honor Jesus...I promise to do my best....I love you all.....Bob....see you soon Jim.....smil

Jim wasn't any different than you or I. He just lived his faith out every day to the fullest. Yes, he was a pastor so that was his 'job' but only for less than 2 years. If you knew him BEFORE seminary, you'd know he lived that way then as well.  Seminary just brought clarity to his theology and purpose.

I was challenged today in Bible Study. Talking about the Shield of Faith, the speaker said "Whatever God is calling you to step out and do... write a blog, call a friend, take in a foster child, make time for family dinners, speak to thousands or to one... step out... take the Faith Leap and His SHIELD will be there to protect you from those fiery arrows that distract you from His purpose for you.

Jim lived that and I am challenged to as well. Stepping out in obedience to what HE has for me each day.
...the mundane of house cleaning and carpool
...stopping to talk to whomever He prompts me
...speaking the truth, out loud, when fear and doubt cloud my way
...writing a blog about God's work in my life
...believing I have worth. I am a child loved by a GREAT BIG GOD!

I will always love you Jim. I will always miss you. I will see you again, for sure! Until then, I will live this life with Faith in Jesus.

Fully Trusting Him,
Karla

Home and Happy

First of all I'm positive that prayer works! I'm praising God for all of your prayers! You all tapped into God's healing power and I'm reaping the benefits of your prayers! 

I am completely blessed by the doctors God has given me. Both the surgeon and the plastic surgeon are Christians and prayed with me before surgery! The surgery lasted a bit longer than they thought but I woke up just fine and was up and walking a couple of hours after surgery and then home Saturday by noon. I'm definitely in a lot of pain but the meds they gave me are keeping it tolerable. It's better every day. I feel like I can move another part of me easier every day. 

Sat and Sun my sis in love Sherry cared for me so wonderfully while the kids were gone. Both the kids and dogs were kept by friends an extra night and everyone came home this morning. The extra night was actually really good for me, I was able to nap quite a bit.  She will be missed when she goes home Wed.

Now that the kids and fur kids are home I'm finding myself up more (it's a good thing). They are doing great at helping Aunt Sherry with house stuff and me with resting and filling my water or getting things out of my reach. The dogs are a great blanket!

I can't say enough how much I appreciate and love each and every one of you! God has blessed me richly with family and friends. I know thank you isn't adequate but for now it's all I have.

Prayer requests:
**Continued healing for me. Pray the drains come out sooner than later.
**For the kids to have good attitudes and helpful hearts.
**The Love of Jesus would shine in and from this home to all who come by.

Merry Christmas!
Fully Trusting Him,
Karla

Meals

Some of you asked about providing meals.  My church had set up the link.

http://www.takethemameal.com/meals.php?t=NJKL4885

Please don't feel obligated to sign up. I'm very thankful for the many who are willing to help in many different ways and for all the prayers.

Fully trusting him,
Karla

The Beginning of the End

It's good to have an end in mind. At least I think so when it comes to this cancer journey. My end is two years. The plastic surgeon's goal is in two years I won't be thinking about cancer or reconstruction or any of it. It helps to have an end goal when you know the beginning will be rough. 

My surgery is scheduled for Friday December 18th. A 3 hour surgery and an overnight stay at the Ritz (maybe two) and I'll be home recovering while the kids are out of school for the Christmas break. This will start the beginning of the end. 

***

Thankful? Seems hard at time but I am thankful for many things. 

This past week we were blessed to spend some wonderful time with Jehnie and the girls, 5 Sisters-in-love (Jeff's included in that 5) and their families. We had snow, a 5k fun run, lots of good food and wonderful fellowship family time. 

It may sound weird but I am thankful my kids are wrestling with this cancer journey with me. It's giving me opportunities to model relying on God and His WORD for comfort. Only God really knows the outcome of this surgery. We all need to TRUST Him for provision even if the worst happens. 

Psalm 31:14-15
But I trust in you, LORD!
I will say, "You are my God!"
My times are in your hands.

I'm thankful for the wonderful doctors. Even the natural med doctor (who I love!) confirmed my decision for surgery and gave me guidance to get my health on track and working properly.

Thankful that my daughter is getting on the low/no sugar life. She's finding she feels better and when she had a piece of candy today it didn't sit well with her. 

Thankful for Jimmy's mentor who's available and encouraging to Jimmy.

One of my sis-in-loves is coming to stay with me after surgery. YAY!

The myriad of people at church who offer to help and really mean it. I love this church family!

For a friend who has volunteered to clean my house. What a blessing!

***

How can you pray?

A typical, if not speedy, recovery would be nice. It's not going to be pleasant but I'm praying for no complications and quick healing.

Energy for Christmas. I'm almost ready. Decorations up, presents bought. I just need to wrap before the 18th and I'll be done. But on Christmas Day I pray I am able to participate in the family time.

That the kids would have a fun weekend with friends while I have surgery. That they won't worry too much.

That this time in the hospital would give me even more opportunities to share Jesus.

***

How can you help?

My church will set up meals to provide if that's your gifting. I'll post the link here when it's set up.

If you want to take one or both of my kids along with yours for a fun outing during Christmas break they would love it!

Rides for the kids. Youth group and karate are the main two I can think of.

***

I leave you with these final thoughts from Psalm 13. It starts out very grim but I love the ending verses. Such hope!

This Psalm spoke volumes to me when Jim died and replacing 'enemies' with grief or cancer helps me put my specific struggles into God's unfailing, loving, trustworthy hands.

Psalm 13

1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?

    How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

    and day after day have sorrow in my heart?

    How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
    Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
    and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
    my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
    for he has been good to me.

Thank you all! Love you tons!

Fully Trusting Him,
Karla

Decisions, decisions and more decisions!

Hello All!

It's been a while... I've done a lot of research and spent a ton of time in prayer over these past few weeks since finding out the cancer is still there. I'll just lay it out what I've decided and what is still left to decide. So sit back and get comfy cuz this is long.

Decision #1 Mastectomy is the choice I'm making. I'm pulling and Angelina Jolie, as Jehnie would say. There is a possibility that the cancer could show up in the other breast and I do not want to have to go through this twice so off with them both! 

Decision #2 Reconstruction... seems simple enough. Make new ones to replace the bad ones. I get to decide whether I want implants or tissue transplant. 

So I decided this ^^^ before I went to the Oncologist last Monday. I like him very much and appreciate his explanations and bedside manner. The tumor cells in my lymph nodes are so small that they are an unknown. The ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) by nature does not break off and travel so what ever is in the lymph nodes tells him that there may be something else in that breast which is another good reason to take it off. By removing everything I will NOT need radiation for which I'm very thankful. He did say I should take a hormone blocking pill for 5 years. I'm not thrilled about it and still haven't made my decision about that.

Yesterday I saw the Plastic Surgeon and was pretty overwhelmed when I left her office. She was very optimistic that I could get good results with reconstruction. Some hopes were dashed and some benefits were found out. Like I said before I have two options for reconstruction.

The option I was really interested in was the tissue transfer. It's where they take belly fat to make new breasts. Sounded like a double bonus until she explained that the procedure is really more like a transplant. It's a 10-12  hour microscopic surgery to attach blood vessels and it's a week long hospital stay in ICU to watch for signs of rejection. Once the surgery is done I'll probably not need another one. The results feel more life like but there is a possibility one or both sides could reject and then I'm back to square one. Also, if I gain or lose weight (I'm working on the latter) you guessed it... I'd gain/lose there as well. I went in thinking this was ideal and came out thinking not so much.
           
Implants are just that silicone or saline put in to replace what is taken out. That requires two surgeries. One to do the mastectomy and put in tissue expanders to make room for the implant. Every week the expanders get increased until it's the size I want then I wait for 6 months to let the skin adjust to the new shape. The other to put the implants in. It a long process starting with an overnight stay in the hospital and I'll be limited in movement and lifting weight. There is follow up surgeries to adjust and shape and it's possible I'd need them replaced at some point down the road but that's 10+ years and it's not common. (Side note: I may be pulling an Angelina but I'm not pulling a Dolly, ha!)

Decision #3 Implants. For me it's the best choice. 

One of the things she said that I appreciated, but was a 'dashed hope', was her goal is two years. Her goal is that by the two year mark I wouldn't be thinking about my reconstruction, my cancer, surgery. I hoped that I'd have one surgery to take out the bad and put in the new and be done. But she said if I do it that way results aren't as good than if I would take the 6 months to expand and rest before implants. So the journey continues and hopefully by next Christmas I'll be completely done. ;)

I have two more appointments next week. One with my surgeon and one with the natural medicine doctor to start boosting my immune system. I'll try to update again after that.

Now there are some very valid reasons to be depressed or upset or sad with this news.  Like the fact that I cannot keep what fed and nurtured my babies. Or I will lose most of the feeling in my breasts. Does that define me as a mother or a woman?  Should it matter? Well, whether it should or not, it does. I know who I am in Christ and I'm confident in my femininity but there is a part of me that will be grieving the loss of this part of me. I've already grieved the loss of part of my heart when God called Jim home and now I will need to grieve losing what can define a woman/wife/mother. I feel silly saying it but I know that when I looked in the mirror after the lumpectomy I was shocked and a little sad I wouldn't look the same ever again. It's going to be significantly greater this time. 

That's all for now. Thank you for continuing to pray for me and the kids. I truly feel your prayers and I'm so grateful for your love and support. God is still good and He loves me and I'll never stop loving Him.

Fully Trusting Him,
Karla

God is still God...

Well it's been two weeks since surgery and I'm healing nicely. The surgery day was just what I'd prayed for. Lots of joy and sharing love with those around us. Good techs, nurses and doctors around me. I felt peace. 

Recovery has gone smoothly as well. I've very little pain and every day I'm getting more energy. I'm almost back to normal. God is so good!

I had my follow up yesterday from surgery. I had determined in my mind, since I didn't hear from the doctor about the pathology, they didn't find anything. The cancer was gone and I was going to tell the doctor that since I'm now cancer free I'm choosing to not do radiation but instead build my immune system naturally to keep any cancer from coming back. Both my friends who have walked with me on this journey weren't able to make it but I knew I'd be ok. I was confident that this was the end of my cancer journey.

God has other plans for me. The cancer spot measured on the mammogram was 0.6cm the lump the doctor removed was 6.0cm. Plenty of room to get clear boarders right? Sadly that is not the case. Apparently I'm not done with my cancer journey so please pray for wisdom as to my next course of treatments. Thankfully, I have options and I'm prayerfully considering each one. I know no matter what I choose God is still in control, my true friends and family will support me, and I'm going to praise God no matter what.

My top three choices are:
another lumpectomy hoping to get clear boarders
mastectomy with reconstruction
a cancer treatment center for less or non-invasive treatment

I know many may have polar opposite opinions on the best course of action for me but I'm prayerfully and carefully considering MY options and the best plan for ME and my kids. The best thing you can do for me is to pray. For wisdom, peace, healing, faith, determination, and anything else God brings to your mind. 

Lamentations 3:19-25

I remember my affliction and my wandering,
    the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
    and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
    and therefore I have HOPE:
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
    therefore I will wait for him.”
The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,
    to the one who seeks him;

I will say you are my GOD; I trust in You! 
My life is in Your hands. Psalm 31:14-15

Do not grieve, for the Joy of the Lord is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

His Loving Kindness Endures Forever! Psalm 136

God is still God... He is NOT surprised by this nor has He abandoned me to it. I will continue to TRUST Him and rely on HIS Word as a promise to NEVER leave me or forsake me.

GOD'S GOT THIS and I'm going to continue to kick cancer in the big fat A**!!!!

Fully Trusting Him,
Karla

Surgery update

Hello Dear Followers,

It's been a few days and my head has cleared from the loopy drugs enough to put words in a coherent order :) Actually it wasn't that bad, however, I did NOT sign any important papers while taking said drugs nor did I drive anything but my dogs crazy (when they want to play and you have just enough energy to fill up your water bottle) But they too will survive!

I want to thank you all for praying! From the start of surgery day to the end all went great! If you can say that about having surgery. 

The two procedures: Marking the lumpectomy site and marking the lymph node went as planned and since I was done earlier than expected they bumped up my surgery 2 hours. THIS NEVER HAPPENS!!! The doctor said everything went fine and I should know the pathology results soon. I'm still trusting GOD for there to be no more cancer!

I woke up Monday morning with the phrase "the Joy of the Lord is My Strength" then when Mindy picked me up she prayed we would have lots of laughter. I had many opportunities to share love, joy and laughter throughout the day. From hugs for nurses and 80 yo candy stripers to jokes about all the wonderful jewelry and fancy clothing I was privileged to wear. And who can forget the dance party in the elevator! The giggles, jokes and laughs made the hunger pangs seem like nothing... actually that's a lie! I was so hunger and no one would come to my aid. Some people!

Divine appointments came as well, Just mentioning Jesus' name or prayer opened doors for talking about Jesus. I even got one of the tech guys to play Christian music while he mapped my node. :0) 

I was home mid afternoon and tried and tried to sleep but it would not happen. So Mindy and I watched TV and chatted and I had dinner YUM. Thinking I would sleep all night I "took two and call me in the morning" pills. I did sleep some but not soundly. Which is really weird for me because strong pain meds usually knock me out. But Tuesday and last night I slept really well and napped too. :) 

I'm actually feeling really good today. Of course the pain from surgery is still there but I'm up and about and plan to take the kids to a movie today. I'm sure I'll need a nap after that but it will be good to get out. 

That's all for now. I should know today (I think) about the pathology results and I'll follow up in a couple of weeks with the surgeon to check my healing. Then in a month I'll start radiation. 

*Things for which  I'm thankful:

**My kids are home. I think that may have been part of the reason I didn't sleep. <3 font="">

***Friends who stay with me, bring meals (delicious!), pray, call and text! I love you all and I'm so thankful God brought us together!

****My doctors and nurses who expertly cared for me.

Fully Trusting Him,
Karla

Good News and A Longer Day

I'm starting off with things I'm thankful for:

   Scripture! It's always been my lifeline and this week is no exception. See below what God's been teaching me.
   
   My appts went well and I was even able to take my mom to here 1 year follow up from two knee replacements. All is good with her and she doesn't need to go back for 4 years!
  
   The kids are doing well even though we've had a few rough moments this week. I think we're all tired of waiting for this to get started and definitely can't wait for it to be over.

   For the MANY, MANY people here and around the world who are praying for me. I feel it and I'm humbled.

******

It's been a tough week. Appointments and kids and parents all needing my attention and there were several days I didn't want to think about ANYTHING especially not cancer or being ready for Monday. It seemed that this week, a bunch of little details that needed my attention kept popping up. As soon as one was done there was another thing in the mail to do. Not know how I'm going to feel next week creates this sense of urgency to get it done!

BUT... our gracious God has reminded me over and over to seek Him first. In my Bible Study Group today, Matt Chandler was talking about Colossians 3:1-10. Set my mind on things above and then put to death what is earthly in you. For so long, my pattern has been backward. This was a fresh perspective on an age old problem for me. "Do away with the bad and then focus on the godly" Well, that's not God's prescription for putting to death what is earthly in me. He says to seek the things of God and set my mind there. Then the earthly ways in me, the worry, short temper, need to control, selfishness will diminish. The old Hymn Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus has a chorus that rings true...

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

I can Fully Trust Him to keep His promises. And the promise I'm clinging to right now is that though my earthly self is struggling with parenting, cancer, life right now, when I turn my eyes to Him they fall away. Now they don't GO away because even this afternoon they are very much still there. But my perspective soon becomes His. I can thank Him and praise Him for the trials because they keep me trusting Him for strength and peace. And HIS PEACE is way better, more fulfilling, more complete than anything this world has to offer. A peace that passes earthly understanding. Thank You JESUS!

Now on to details:

Tuesday's MRI was definitely an experience. I'd take a mammogram any day over an MRI. It's not one I'd like to repeat but I made it through. The good news is that the cancer isn't heading toward the nipple so I get to keep it! And that also means it's still a lumpectomy and nothing more. Answered prayer for sure! THANK YOU LORD! 

Radiation Oncology appt was very informative and it looks like I'll start the radiation process about 4 weeks after surgery. They will make a mold for me to lay on so I'm in the same position for every treatment and take a bunch of measurements to get the right settings and then a week later the treatments start. 5 days a week for 6 weeks puts me being finished just before New Years. 

I was on the phone quite a bit today with registration and pre-op stuff but I'm all ready to show up at 6:30 Monday morning for a 2:30 surgery. I know it's WAY TOO EARLY but there are two procedures to do beforehand and my original surgery time was bumped from 1pm. That just means someone is worse off than me and needed my slot. PRAISE JESUS!

Pray I really listen to my body and do what's best for me. I'm going to go one of two ways... Not move at all (which is not good) or do too much (which is really bad). I need to find a balance of getting around without over doing.

Pray the kids sleep well at their friend's house Sunday and Monday nights. That they can focus on school and not worry too much. That they will have understanding teachers if they need someone to talk to.

Pray for everyone I come in contact with Monday. I want to ooze Jesus and cause people to ask me why and be bold enough to share His love with them.

I love you all! Thanks for praying!

Fully Trusting Him,
Karla

Still on Track

I thought I'd give you a little update.

I have my MRI tomorrow, please pray I can hold still for the 30-60 min I'll be in the tube. I've had an MRI on my knee before but I was face up and feet first then. This time I'm going to be face down and head first. I'm not a stomach sleeper so this is going to be a challenge. Most likely uncomfortable but not un-doable :)

Wednesday I have my Radiation Oncologist Consultation to see what kind and how long of radiation I'll need. I get that this is the best treatment plan for my kind of cancer but really don't want to have it. So the least amount to do the best job.

This week is full of putting things in order and taking care of details so your prayers for good time management and clear thinking would be appreciated.

Surgery is still scheduled for Monday October 12th. I show up at 6am but surgery is at 1pm.

Things I'm thankful for:
My time away with my Texas girlfriends. This weekend was scheduled back in July before my diagnosis but God's timing for this getaway was perfect. I reconnected with dear friends, relaxed, laughed and was blessed.

My Sis-in-LOVE Jennifer for SPOILING my kids this weekend! I think we have enough sweets and toys in the house to last till Christmas!

My church! They have set up meals for me after surgery, signed me up for the card ministry that sends encouragement for cancer patients, and sent me multiple emails letting me know they are praying for me.

Mindy! She's going with me to my RadOnc appt AND taking me to the hospital for surgery AND spending the night with me!!! YOU ROCK!

My carpool Moms who've taken over carpool for the week of surgery.

God is still in control and I'm awed once again at His peace that has washed over me!

Love you all and thanks for praying!

Fully Trusting Him,
Karla

Roller Coaster

Ever since I found out about the cancer I've had the "normal" roller coaster ride of emotions. Telling Jehnie was really hard and we cried through most of it. But being at church and being prayed for over and over made me cry too but it is such an overwhelming blessing I don't think I can describe it. I continue to have a peace from God that supersedes any emotion I have. I know he's in control and He's going to use it for His glory some how. I believe I'm going to be ok, more than ok... better for it having happened! This past Sunday, Pastor Lance said something that struck a chord with me about the results of our church's Worship Prayer and Healing night. He said when we don't see God move the way we think or hope He would, it's not that He's saying NO. He's saying it's better for you to go through this than if I heal you.(paraphrased) It's really about my spiritual growth and becoming more like Jesus. That is far more important to Him than my physical healing. YIKES!!! That was HUGE to me! It gives me courage and hope and excitement! Let's see what God's gonna do!
--------------------
It amazes me how fast things move once a few referrals are made. By the end of the day Monday I have the major parts scheduled. I give specifics here cuz I've got some family that like the details ;) You know who you are ;)

EKG Thursday 10/1
MRI and labs Tuesday 10/6
Surgery and two prep procedures 10/12 I have to be at the hospital at 6 am but the surgery is scheduled for 1 pm!!! YIKES! I really don't like early mornings so pray for me HA!

The surgery is only about 45 min and it's out patient so I'll be home that evening.

I've already worked out carpool and childcare with the moms from school and I think I have my rides all figured out. And my sister is going to be there if my parents need something. God is so good!!!
---------------------
When we moved to Texas 13 years ago, God provided a group of women who became my family when my family was so far away. These ladies walked me through becoming a mom, a miscarriage, job loss, seminary, moving twice, another baby, Jim's death, real life stuff. I walked with them as well. That's what family does! I haven't seen them in over three years but that's going to change this weekend. We're having a reunion and the timing couldn't have been more perfect! I'm planning on soaking up love and relaxing for three days in preparation for the crazy journey ahead.

When I think about the people in my life, past and present, I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the rich, deep friends God have given me in each season and place. Some have come and gone. But there are a handful who are still around no matter how many miles or years are between us. You know who you are and I love you!!!

Fully Trusting Him,
Karla

The next big thing

Who knew (God did) when I started this blog after Jim died that I'd ever  need it again? I figured this was the easiest way to get all the information out to my friends and family who want to know.
So... I have breast cancer. As far as cancers go... I picked a good one. :) Ductal Carcinoma InSitu (DCIS). It's the kind that is encapsulated in the duct and (as far as they know) CAN'T SPREAD!!!! YAY!!! And after meeting with the surgeon today I found out even more...

Here's what I know:
** can't break through the duct (apparently some can but since they don't know which ones will they treat all with a lumpectomy or mastectomy. my choice) I'm choosing a lumpectomy.

** it 6mm high grade (high grade means more likely to reoccur)

** they will take a sample from the lymph node to as a precaution and combined with the tumor will determine the stage of cancer.

** I will need radiation therapy so I will meet with a Radiation Oncologist to discuss what that looks like.

** I can choose to have a mastectomy but personally I think that's overkill considering the type of     cancer I have. Even though it was tempting to "get a whole new rack" as Suzzanne put it. HA!

** I will be having an MRI so the surgeon can get a clear picture and see exactly what we're dealing with and if it's going in one direction or another. If it's heading into the aereola that will need to be     removed. (that would be a bummer so pray it's not!)

** The surgery itself is outpatient and will only last about 45 min. My downtime will be about 2       weeks.

Things that have to happen before surgery:
MRI
EKG and blood work
ultrasound of the lymph nodes
insert a marker that leaves a wire sticking out (doesn't sound fun but its done the day of surgery)

I am very thankful for:

Mindy and Suzzanne who went with me to the appt and asked questions I hadn't even thought of and made me laugh. Mindy took notes so I wouldn't forget what they said! THEY WERE AWESOME!

My Surgeon (Christian Swanson) is a Christian with a wonderful bedside manner and a good sense of humor!

I have a patient navigator, named Marie, who got me an earlier appt and will guide me through this from the medical side.

I think I've covered everything but if you have a question please ask below.

LOVE YOU ALL!!! TO GOD BE THE GLORY!!!!!
Fully Trusting Him,
Karla

New Normal

Today I turn 40. A big year birthday!!! Jim would have not doubt made it special and probably surprised me with some sort of party too. In anticipation of this day I made sure the kids knew I would be home to celebrate with them and I let Abby plan what and how the day would go...

I had a blast today!!! It was wonderful and I thought I would share a bit about it with you...

Woke up to Jimmy coming in for a cuddle before the official wake up time of 6:30am.

After a bit we shared a little conversation...

Me: Jimmy what day is it?
Jimmy: Wednesday (way to go preschool!)
Me: Well, what did you do last night with grandpa and Abby?
Jimmy: Bake a cake!!!
Me: Who was it for?
Jimmy: YOU!!!
Me: So what does that make today?
Jimmy: WEDNESDAY!!

You've gotta love a 3 year old! At breakfast Abby wanted me to open my gift which was a Willowtree girl with blue birds on her arms. Beautiful!!

After dropping the kids off at school I went for a massage (Abby H. you are fab!!!) and then showered and went to the chiropractor for an adjustment (since I was soooooo loose from the massage!)

Deb and I went out to lunch at a cute little place in Hebron (30 min away). There we found a thrift store and a few 'couldn't-live-without' treasures. Had lunch and then found a fabric/gift/coffee shop and had a pumpkin pie latte! YUM!

Came home and had time to go pick up Abby. We dressed up in fancy dresses and opened another gift and just hung out.

Then went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner and took the cake Abby and Grandpa had made with us. Shared the meal with Deb (bummer Loren had to work late) and came home. Got the kids to bed and started to finish my Bible Study when I got a call from Matthea (youth leader) he and a bunch of youth came to sing for me! What a wonderful way to end a great day!

All throughout the day, Abby and Jimmy kept wishing me a happy birthday. I was given a 40 tiara at my surprise party on Saturday which I proudly wore most of the day (until it hurt too much)!

My heart is full! Yet... there is still a spot that remains empty. Jim's love of making my birthday special was definitely missing today. I didn't cry or even really mourn it until the youth group was leaving. Then, with my heart as full as possible the empty spot begged to be noticed. I cried but only for a moment. Not because I didn't want to cry on my birthday but because I realized that my heart WAS full. Just knowing and remembering all the great birthdays with Jim was enough to put a smile back on my face. I am truly a blessed women!

I am taking a Bible Study/support group in Lincoln on Tuesday nights. It's called Grief Share and it's just what I need! It's affirming me in that I am moving along in my grief, slowly but surly one day at a time. Last night we talked about a 'new normal'. Life will never be the same because Jim isn't coming back. Things can't be the same so I am learning to adapt to my new normal. Today, celebrating my birthday in a fun but different way, was a new normal for me.

Thank you God for the constant reminder of Your presence in my life! You are guiding me in Your Truth and showing me everyday through Your Word and the people in my life that Your perfect plan for me is unfolding every moment of every day! You truly are worthy of my praise and devotion! Thank you for showing/providing/leading me in my new normal life.

Fully Trusting Him - Psalm 31:14

Karla

Philippians stepped on my toes (in a good way)

Okay Keith R this one's for you...

Phil 4:13 is a verse we all cling to when our own strength seems to be gone but do you realize the progression of the verses before that one that can get us to the place where we can say... 'I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength'? God has shown me this over the past few days!!! His word is amazing as always!

v 4 rejoice always! then
v 6 be anxious for nothing but in prayer give thanks!
v 8 think on theses things is really only possible when we give thanks and rejoice first.
v11 contentment is attainable when we think on the right things, rejoice and give thanks!
v 13 and because I've learned to be content, think right, give thanks and rejoice I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!!!!!!!!

Just thought I'd share what God's teaching me today. Things here are going well. I have my good and bad days but overall we're adjusting. The kids going to school has helped and so has some help from my chiropractor.

I'll update on stuff later. But thanks for continuing to pray for us. God is an amazing God who is my constant guide and companion.

Love you all! Fully trusting Him,

Karla

Apples

So many things have happened since my last post. Where do I begin.

We have been on vacation for the majority of June...

A trip to Texas to see beloved friends and my brother and sister-in-law. We stayed with my BFF's mom and also spent a few days with a dear friend on her blueberry farm. During that time in Texas I was at WalMart picking up some fruit and decided to get some apples. If any of you knew Jim, he ate at least two apples a day. I hadn't bought them since he died. So here I was standing in WalMart's produce section picking apples the way he like to and it hit me. I don't get to buy apple for him ever again. Right there at the apple cart I started crying uncontrollably. I actually laughed about it after but at the time I was so overwhelmed with sorrow. Well, I finished picking out my fruit and headed to get some other things still crying but still shopping. I really didn't care what anyone thought about it.. As I was heading to the register to check out, a large black man came directly toward me with a determined look on his face. Now I'm not the prejudice type but for a moment it set me on guard. Come to find out he was concerned for me when he saw me crying over apples. It was sweet of someone to "make sure I was okay because I was obviously upset about something".

The rest of our time in Texas was bitter-sweet as well. Our anniversary 6/6 was spent at our old church being loved on by people who knew Jim. He had preached there several times while in seminary. Followed by a baptism of some girls who were in Jim's first VBS group at that church. By the end of the day I was exhausted from the emotional roller-coaster I rode that day.

All in all Texas was great and it was great to have my mom with us the whole time. She's been such a great support to me.

We got home, unpacked washed clothes, repacked and two days later all 4 of us got on a plane for California. We spent the next 2 1/2 weeks visiting family and friends. I was blessed to baptize Jehnie and Abby in my Dad's pool with family looking on. Had 3 family reunions and went to Disneyland. Although the trip was very much needed for me, it was rough on the kids being in different places so many nights and in the car for long days. In turn makes it rough on Mommy because she has cranky kids and is a bit emotionally cranky herself!

It was good to be home and not living out of a suitcase, driving someone else's car, eating at fast food too much... but as I walked through the door to our home I was flooded with so many memories of Jim and HOW MUCH I missed him.

There are many women I know who complain about their husbands not helping out with the kids or house or laundry, but Jim was such a great help to me that now I feel so overwhelmed with all I have to do with cleaning, cooking, laundry (my normal stuff) but on top of that there's the outside stuff to do. I have someone to mow but there is weeding, leaky gutters, wash the car, bikes, BBQ, fences all the things Jim used to do I either try to do it myself or have to ask for help. I know there are people who want to help me but sometimes I just feel like I've already asked too much and I don't want to burden or wear out my welcome with them. And don't get me started on childcare... every time I want or need to do something I have to find someone to watch the kids. I feel like I spend so much time on getting things done and not enough time with the kids that I don't deserve time to myself. And they don't always like it when I leave. The rational part of me knows that I'll go crazy if I don't get 'me time' but my emotional side feels conflicted.

I know that when school starts thing will be a bit easier. I'll have 3 hours a day to focus on non-kid things and that will give me better attitudes and more able to focus on my kids.

Thank you for all you've done in praying to our Father for me. I know with out Him I am nothing and it is only by His grace that I am surviving.

I am thankful for so many things... here a just a few.

I don't have to work - God took care of that once again!

My kids are healthy

We have had fun this summer.

God loves me.

I haven't really lacked for anything.

I've great friends here in Fairbury and around the world

Fully Trusting Him,

Karla

I guess it's time to share again. Today is another special day on my calendar... Quatro de Mayo.

It started as just an ordinary day many years ago but ended with a tradition. Jim and I went on a walking date. We lived a simple life early on and our dates were usually walking to a place to eat near by. That night we walked to Taco Bell and ate off of the then .59.79.99 menu and walked home. Jim usually snuck in a candle and matches because we most often ate by candlelight at home so why should this be any different. When I asked him what we were celebrating he said "Quatro de Mayo" and thus became the holiday celebrated every year and marked on the TK calendar.

I've started reading another lady's blog. She lost her husband in an accident 3 years ago and a mutual friend passed it on to me. She mentioed in her blog about making the special days like anniversaries and birtdays special in a new way with her kids. I think its a great idea but I'm not sure I'm ready to start that yet. She also mentioned something about Grief Share so I looked it up. It was just what I needed to see. It's a biblically based grief group. I get a daily email and in the fall I'll join a small group bible study to help me process this. One of the daily emails said I should identify my losses. There are so many right now but I'm going to try.

Since my last post in April, I've hit several milestones losses. Each time brings me right back to what's missing. Jim. Jehnie having her baby, planning our vacation, driving by myself on the long trip to Colorado to see her, holding my new grand-baby and loving on her family. My first thoughts are "Jim should have been here" but I know that's actually not correct. God's purpose for taking Jim are not for me to wish away. My heart is learning to say instead "Jim would have loved this"

My losses:

my garbage emptier

my lawn mowerer

my bike repairer

my hand holder

my dinner partner

my lover

my friend

my car washer

a shoulder to cry on

my pastor

my teacher

my friend

my prayer partner

my silly song man

the one who really sees me

the father of my kids

I can't do anymore right now but know that I am at a loss. I really don't know what to feel except disconnected and like a part of me is missing. People ask me how I'm doing and I always say I'm haning in there. There is a song by the Ruppes that's called Hold on to Hope. That's where I am. Holding on to the hope that God's plan is for my good. I may not see it for a long time but I KNOW it's there.

Psalm 31:14 Lord, I trust you. I have said, “You are my God.” My life is in your hands!!

Thank you for listening.

a Psalm of my beloved

All around me

The winds whip and howl

and fierce torrents rage.

Many are battered and swept away.

Still I trust in you Lord

You are my stronghold

Your hands hold back the fury

They buoy me up amidst the torrent

Oh, my God

You are my shelter

You keep me safe in the stormy times

You comfort met through the thunders

You are the covering over my head

Your walls keep me dry

Though the day is dark,

I praise you

Though clouds blot out the sky

I thank you

As rumors obscure the horizon,

I worship you

Cries of despair fill my ears,

In faith, I sing to you

You fill my soul with peace

Your praise fills my mouth

Your love makes my heart beat

Your strength courses through my bones

Your word fills my mind with truth

Your peace conquers anger

Your praise is louder than the thunder

Your love is purer than fresh spring water

Your strength made all that is

Your truth defeats the worries and uncertainties of this world

As the storm rages.

I cling to the Rock

One thing I know;

It will never change;

It will defeat all efforts of the enemy;

It is true through my problems, trial and failures;

It was true;

It is true;

It will always be true -

Jesus loves me

And I will always love Him.

written by Jim Cutts sometime between 1994 and 1998

I found this in the Bible he used when we met. Jehnie wanted the Bible because it was the one she remembered him reading. When I went through it, this was there.

Funny how appropriate and relevant it is for me now.

Realization

Last night I was putting Jimmy to bed. We turn on his music and rock for a bit and then he usually asks to get in bed. We pray and then say goodnight. Well last night was a bit different. He asked me to tell him a story about himself. I was caught off guard... Jim was the story teller and it was all I could do to get a little story out without crying. I couldn't stop thinking about how many silly stories he won't hear from his Daddy. How I'm going to have to fill in that part somehow and teach him things dad's are supposed to teach their kids, especially boys.

Something really big hit me yesterday. No not a rock or anything like that.... it was the realization that I now carry the sole responsibility of raising two kids spiritually and physically and emotionally. I've been working overtime with Abby and I think it's exasperating her. I had to back off of something I was ranting on about last night. Being selfish I think. I don't want to neglect their spiritual growth but I also don't want to so pound it down that they turn me off. Jim seemed to always have the right thing to say in a way that wasn't harsh. I can't seem to find that gift yet.

Lord, give me the wisdom I need at each moment to train my kids for your glory. I don't know what I'm doing but I want to do YOUR best for them.

Amen

stuff

4/8 Thursday was a bittersweet day and a several realizations were made known.

First, I got to go to the Casting Crowns worship service. I say worship service because it was more than a show/concert. I was taken to the presence of the Lord in worship with some really good singers. I didn't realize how much I needed to get away for a few hours. I was totally exhausted the next day but the time away was what I needed.

Second, Abby and Jimmy weren't ready for me to be gone that long. I know I need to take care of myself too but to see their reactions to my leaving and then the next morning, made me realize I also need to think about them too. Yes I need my time but not that long of a time away just yet.

++++++++++

4/9 Some days just seem normal until it hits 5:15 and the phone doesn't ring. Jim would call and say "I'm crossing E street" or "I'm walking up the alley now". I didn't realize just how much I truly loved and wanted him until he was gone. Cherish the gift God has given you if you're married. Love the little things that happen everyday and don't stop telling your love just how much he/she means to you.

+++++++++++

4/10 had a great day working outside!! Re-did a flower bed. Cleaned out the garage and had friends over for junky bad for you but O-So-Yummy finger foods for supper.

+++++++++++

4/12 Today was a crappy day!!!! Started physically a bummer if you know what I mean. That lead to the thought of not having Jim anymore. So I felt bad all day physically and emotionally. Then Abby didn't do something and got in trouble and I didn't handle part of it well. It all ended well but this single parenting thing is really hard. Then she got all weepy and sad about Jim and then I had to put on my happy face for her to comfort her. Bummer day! On the bright side it was 80 and breezy and sunny today!

Father, today is one of those days I just don't understand why. Why did you ask me to be the one left here? Jim would have handled things so much better than I am! Why does it have to hurt so deeply? You put us together and we loved each other so deeply. It stinks now that there's a big whole in my heart. I don't want the answers because they really don't matter. I know I won't know them anyway, this side of heaven, but this life right now is hard. I feel like I can't take much more today but I know that because of Your Great Love for me I WILL NOT be consumed! (Lam 3:22) Thank You for Mom, whom You prompted to call me at just the right time, and for friends who mowed my lawn!!! You are the great provider and I love You! This life would be so unbearable without You.

Jesus, thank you for providing a way for me to see Jim again. I know that's not the reason you died but today it gives me hope. Knowing that when you return, Jim will come too. Come quickly Jesus!

Spirit, how true your character is to me today! Comforter and Intercessor. When I don't know how to pray You speak for me.

In Jesus Name!
Amen

Easter

This last weekend hit me hard. Not only was it Easter and the first holiday Jim wasn't here to share but April 2nd was "rose garden day" It was the day Jim proposed 13 years ago. I know it sounds funny to celebrate that every year but... that's what we did. Let me tell you why.

When Jim and I started dating and people would ask us the who, what, where, WHEN, how questions, I ALWAYS rememberd the dates that significant things happened. Like, when he asked me to dinner, when he held my hand, when he told me his feelings changed etc. Also, I liked to remind him on the 22nd of each month that it was so many # of months til my birthday. Well that first birthday in 1996 he gave me a Thomas Kincade calendar. I loved it and looked through all the paintings until he asked..."did you read the calendar?" I then looked at each month and there on the 22nd was a countdown til my birthday. Also the significant days I had remembered in our relationship.(he really rememberd them too) as well as a bunch of goofy stuff. I got a TK calendar EVERY year with more and more fun silly romantic things added. Yes you guessed it. I have 14 calendars!!!! Well, after we were engaged (4/2/97) it showed up on 1998's calendar and every year since.

I say all this to let you know how much our relationship meant to both of us. We had a story for everything and loved sharing it with anyone who would listen.

Thank you for hearing my heart.