It started as just an ordinary day many years ago but ended with a tradition. Jim and I went on a walking date. We lived a simple life early on and our dates were usually walking to a place to eat near by. That night we walked to Taco Bell and ate off of the then .59.79.99 menu and walked home. Jim usually snuck in a candle and matches because we most often ate by candlelight at home so why should this be any different. When I asked him what we were celebrating he said "Quatro de Mayo" and thus became the holiday celebrated every year and marked on the TK calendar.
I've started reading another lady's blog. She lost her husband in an accident 3 years ago and a mutual friend passed it on to me. She mentioed in her blog about making the special days like anniversaries and birtdays special in a new way with her kids. I think its a great idea but I'm not sure I'm ready to start that yet. She also mentioned something about Grief Share so I looked it up. It was just what I needed to see. It's a biblically based grief group. I get a daily email and in the fall I'll join a small group bible study to help me process this. One of the daily emails said I should identify my losses. There are so many right now but I'm going to try.
Since my last post in April, I've hit several milestones losses. Each time brings me right back to what's missing. Jim. Jehnie having her baby, planning our vacation, driving by myself on the long trip to Colorado to see her, holding my new grand-baby and loving on her family. My first thoughts are "Jim should have been here" but I know that's actually not correct. God's purpose for taking Jim are not for me to wish away. My heart is learning to say instead "Jim would have loved this"
My losses:
my garbage emptier
my lawn mowerer
my bike repairer
my hand holder
my dinner partner
my lover
my friend
my car washer
a shoulder to cry on
my pastor
my teacher
my friend
my prayer partner
my silly song man
the one who really sees me
the father of my kids
I can't do anymore right now but know that I am at a loss. I really don't know what to feel except disconnected and like a part of me is missing. People ask me how I'm doing and I always say I'm haning in there. There is a song by the Ruppes that's called Hold on to Hope. That's where I am. Holding on to the hope that God's plan is for my good. I may not see it for a long time but I KNOW it's there.
Psalm 31:14 Lord, I trust you. I have said, “You are my God.” My life is in your hands!!
Thank you for listening.
