It's been 6 years since Jim died and I still see the legacy he left.
His kids, Jehnie, Abbie and Jimmy, all reflect him in some way. Things he said or did still permeate our lives, whether it's the way I fold t-shirts or the way my kids say something like he did. Or especially the things he taught me, as he learned through seminary, that I find myself telling others. The hole may be large where he is missing in our lives yet what he left imprinted in each of us can never be taken away.
It was special to see the memories of his impact on others flood my Facebook page today. Here are just a few:
Every year, this day is one of the hardest days I will face, and every year I post this picture in memory of you. I cannot believe it has been six years since you left us. I always imagine where I'd be if you were still here to give me your guidance. I miss you so damn much, Pastor Cutts. The things you did for me and the love you showed me, was something I was never shown again. I was a 14 year old troublemaker with nothing to offer, and you were the one who looked past that. You took me in and showed me a love that was so unconditional it was almost scary. You helped me find purpose and meaning. I don't know why you had to leave, and I will never fully understand it. Life is testing me now more than ever and I wish more than anything to be able to pick up my phone and call you and hear your advice or listen to you laugh at one of my stupid jokes that no one else finds funny. I love you, Pastor Cutts. In this world today, there is so much negativity and you were the solution. Your faith was the most inspiring thing I have ever witnessed. Please continue to watch over us and help guide me through life. I hope to see you again someday. This tattoo keeps you with me permanently. It's a good reminder to do the right thing..... To God alone, be the glory. ††
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I would say today was the best March 4th I've had in 6 years. This last year has been about experiencing life without my dad, but looking for his fingerprints he left behind. Being with his side of the family so much has been bittersweet. When I'm with them I can feel his presence in an almost tangible way, which hurts my heart more than I can bear at times. This last year I've been able to shift my focus from his physical absence to how he has impacted my life and how he is here with me in everything I do. I've come to the point where I can appreciate him more than I miss him--I just hope I can maintain that focus. Grieving the unexpected loss of my Dad has been a journey I never wanted to take, but saying that, it gives me an understanding and an ability to connect with others who have lost their fathers/mothers. This has been such a huge blessing as I can encourage and commiserate and laugh and cry and sit comfortably in silence with my friends more than many others could. Grief sucks, but it's easier with people who get the suckiness. Today was a good day. Tomorrow will be a better day. And there may be a few shitty days out there but I'll get through them just in time for another good day. March 4th will never be an easy day to get through, but it can still be a good day. Until I hug him again I'll see him in my daughters' faces, in my brother's sneezes, and in my sister's logical way of working things out.
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Karla, Jehnie, Abbey, Lil Jimmy...I just want you all to know I loved Jim so much as a friend who encouraged me to not give up on life at a time when I was consumed with thoughts of giving up. He wrote me "love letters"! totally unheard of for a man to do for another man. Those letters kept me alive. I still have them. He was my "BEST" man in my wedding. I will never, ever forget that amazing, one of a kind laugh, his crazy sense of humor, and his absolute devotion to Jesus. I will miss him till I see him, but I am sure I can never miss him or love him as much as the 4 of you. The best gift I can give Jim is to love you all as best I can, and live the rest of my life to Honor Jesus...I promise to do my best....I love you all.....Bob....see you soon Jim.....smilJim wasn't any different than you or I. He just lived his faith out every day to the fullest. Yes, he was a pastor so that was his 'job' but only for less than 2 years. If you knew him BEFORE seminary, you'd know he lived that way then as well. Seminary just brought clarity to his theology and purpose.
I was challenged today in Bible Study. Talking about the Shield of Faith, the speaker said "Whatever God is calling you to step out and do... write a blog, call a friend, take in a foster child, make time for family dinners, speak to thousands or to one... step out... take the Faith Leap and His SHIELD will be there to protect you from those fiery arrows that distract you from His purpose for you.
Jim lived that and I am challenged to as well. Stepping out in obedience to what HE has for me each day.
...the mundane of house cleaning and carpool
...stopping to talk to whomever He prompts me
...speaking the truth, out loud, when fear and doubt cloud my way
...writing a blog about God's work in my life
...believing I have worth. I am a child loved by a GREAT BIG GOD!
I will always love you Jim. I will always miss you. I will see you again, for sure! Until then, I will live this life with Faith in Jesus.
Fully Trusting Him,
Karla
