a Psalm of my beloved

All around me

The winds whip and howl

and fierce torrents rage.

Many are battered and swept away.

Still I trust in you Lord

You are my stronghold

Your hands hold back the fury

They buoy me up amidst the torrent

Oh, my God

You are my shelter

You keep me safe in the stormy times

You comfort met through the thunders

You are the covering over my head

Your walls keep me dry

Though the day is dark,

I praise you

Though clouds blot out the sky

I thank you

As rumors obscure the horizon,

I worship you

Cries of despair fill my ears,

In faith, I sing to you

You fill my soul with peace

Your praise fills my mouth

Your love makes my heart beat

Your strength courses through my bones

Your word fills my mind with truth

Your peace conquers anger

Your praise is louder than the thunder

Your love is purer than fresh spring water

Your strength made all that is

Your truth defeats the worries and uncertainties of this world

As the storm rages.

I cling to the Rock

One thing I know;

It will never change;

It will defeat all efforts of the enemy;

It is true through my problems, trial and failures;

It was true;

It is true;

It will always be true -

Jesus loves me

And I will always love Him.

written by Jim Cutts sometime between 1994 and 1998

I found this in the Bible he used when we met. Jehnie wanted the Bible because it was the one she remembered him reading. When I went through it, this was there.

Funny how appropriate and relevant it is for me now.

Realization

Last night I was putting Jimmy to bed. We turn on his music and rock for a bit and then he usually asks to get in bed. We pray and then say goodnight. Well last night was a bit different. He asked me to tell him a story about himself. I was caught off guard... Jim was the story teller and it was all I could do to get a little story out without crying. I couldn't stop thinking about how many silly stories he won't hear from his Daddy. How I'm going to have to fill in that part somehow and teach him things dad's are supposed to teach their kids, especially boys.

Something really big hit me yesterday. No not a rock or anything like that.... it was the realization that I now carry the sole responsibility of raising two kids spiritually and physically and emotionally. I've been working overtime with Abby and I think it's exasperating her. I had to back off of something I was ranting on about last night. Being selfish I think. I don't want to neglect their spiritual growth but I also don't want to so pound it down that they turn me off. Jim seemed to always have the right thing to say in a way that wasn't harsh. I can't seem to find that gift yet.

Lord, give me the wisdom I need at each moment to train my kids for your glory. I don't know what I'm doing but I want to do YOUR best for them.

Amen

stuff

4/8 Thursday was a bittersweet day and a several realizations were made known.

First, I got to go to the Casting Crowns worship service. I say worship service because it was more than a show/concert. I was taken to the presence of the Lord in worship with some really good singers. I didn't realize how much I needed to get away for a few hours. I was totally exhausted the next day but the time away was what I needed.

Second, Abby and Jimmy weren't ready for me to be gone that long. I know I need to take care of myself too but to see their reactions to my leaving and then the next morning, made me realize I also need to think about them too. Yes I need my time but not that long of a time away just yet.

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4/9 Some days just seem normal until it hits 5:15 and the phone doesn't ring. Jim would call and say "I'm crossing E street" or "I'm walking up the alley now". I didn't realize just how much I truly loved and wanted him until he was gone. Cherish the gift God has given you if you're married. Love the little things that happen everyday and don't stop telling your love just how much he/she means to you.

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4/10 had a great day working outside!! Re-did a flower bed. Cleaned out the garage and had friends over for junky bad for you but O-So-Yummy finger foods for supper.

+++++++++++

4/12 Today was a crappy day!!!! Started physically a bummer if you know what I mean. That lead to the thought of not having Jim anymore. So I felt bad all day physically and emotionally. Then Abby didn't do something and got in trouble and I didn't handle part of it well. It all ended well but this single parenting thing is really hard. Then she got all weepy and sad about Jim and then I had to put on my happy face for her to comfort her. Bummer day! On the bright side it was 80 and breezy and sunny today!

Father, today is one of those days I just don't understand why. Why did you ask me to be the one left here? Jim would have handled things so much better than I am! Why does it have to hurt so deeply? You put us together and we loved each other so deeply. It stinks now that there's a big whole in my heart. I don't want the answers because they really don't matter. I know I won't know them anyway, this side of heaven, but this life right now is hard. I feel like I can't take much more today but I know that because of Your Great Love for me I WILL NOT be consumed! (Lam 3:22) Thank You for Mom, whom You prompted to call me at just the right time, and for friends who mowed my lawn!!! You are the great provider and I love You! This life would be so unbearable without You.

Jesus, thank you for providing a way for me to see Jim again. I know that's not the reason you died but today it gives me hope. Knowing that when you return, Jim will come too. Come quickly Jesus!

Spirit, how true your character is to me today! Comforter and Intercessor. When I don't know how to pray You speak for me.

In Jesus Name!
Amen

Easter

This last weekend hit me hard. Not only was it Easter and the first holiday Jim wasn't here to share but April 2nd was "rose garden day" It was the day Jim proposed 13 years ago. I know it sounds funny to celebrate that every year but... that's what we did. Let me tell you why.

When Jim and I started dating and people would ask us the who, what, where, WHEN, how questions, I ALWAYS rememberd the dates that significant things happened. Like, when he asked me to dinner, when he held my hand, when he told me his feelings changed etc. Also, I liked to remind him on the 22nd of each month that it was so many # of months til my birthday. Well that first birthday in 1996 he gave me a Thomas Kincade calendar. I loved it and looked through all the paintings until he asked..."did you read the calendar?" I then looked at each month and there on the 22nd was a countdown til my birthday. Also the significant days I had remembered in our relationship.(he really rememberd them too) as well as a bunch of goofy stuff. I got a TK calendar EVERY year with more and more fun silly romantic things added. Yes you guessed it. I have 14 calendars!!!! Well, after we were engaged (4/2/97) it showed up on 1998's calendar and every year since.

I say all this to let you know how much our relationship meant to both of us. We had a story for everything and loved sharing it with anyone who would listen.

Thank you for hearing my heart.

Welcome

Hello, it was suggested to start writing my thoughts and such to help with processing Jim's death and my feelings. So here I go...

It's been 4 weeks since Jim went to be with Jesus. I can't believe how empty my life is without him. Part of me is gone and I don't know what to do. Fortunately I have two lifelines keeping me going.

First, without Jesus Christ in my life I would be a wreck. It's only by His grace that I can stand and praise my God even in the worst of circumstances. He has been my sustainer and the source of my hope. From the beginging His heartbeat continued to be all I can hear since my is broken. Praise God for his Word and his kids who have supported me in amaxzing ways. He is my faithful Father and Friend.

Second, is my kids. If I didn't have them to take care of I probably would still be in bed. They give me a reason to get up and carry on with life.

This Easter has more significance to me now that I've lost Jim... The hope of the resurrection is truer more than ever before. Looking forward to Jesus' return also means I'll see Jim again too!

Come LORD quickly!

Thanks for listening and walking this journey with me. -Karla