We have been on vacation for the majority of June...
A trip to Texas to see beloved friends and my brother and sister-in-law. We stayed with my BFF's mom and also spent a few days with a dear friend on her blueberry farm. During that time in Texas I was at WalMart picking up some fruit and decided to get some apples. If any of you knew Jim, he ate at least two apples a day. I hadn't bought them since he died. So here I was standing in WalMart's produce section picking apples the way he like to and it hit me. I don't get to buy apple for him ever again. Right there at the apple cart I started crying uncontrollably. I actually laughed about it after but at the time I was so overwhelmed with sorrow. Well, I finished picking out my fruit and headed to get some other things still crying but still shopping. I really didn't care what anyone thought about it.. As I was heading to the register to check out, a large black man came directly toward me with a determined look on his face. Now I'm not the prejudice type but for a moment it set me on guard. Come to find out he was concerned for me when he saw me crying over apples. It was sweet of someone to "make sure I was okay because I was obviously upset about something".
The rest of our time in Texas was bitter-sweet as well. Our anniversary 6/6 was spent at our old church being loved on by people who knew Jim. He had preached there several times while in seminary. Followed by a baptism of some girls who were in Jim's first VBS group at that church. By the end of the day I was exhausted from the emotional roller-coaster I rode that day.
All in all Texas was great and it was great to have my mom with us the whole time. She's been such a great support to me.
We got home, unpacked washed clothes, repacked and two days later all 4 of us got on a plane for California. We spent the next 2 1/2 weeks visiting family and friends. I was blessed to baptize Jehnie and Abby in my Dad's pool with family looking on. Had 3 family reunions and went to Disneyland. Although the trip was very much needed for me, it was rough on the kids being in different places so many nights and in the car for long days. In turn makes it rough on Mommy because she has cranky kids and is a bit emotionally cranky herself!
It was good to be home and not living out of a suitcase, driving someone else's car, eating at fast food too much... but as I walked through the door to our home I was flooded with so many memories of Jim and HOW MUCH I missed him.
There are many women I know who complain about their husbands not helping out with the kids or house or laundry, but Jim was such a great help to me that now I feel so overwhelmed with all I have to do with cleaning, cooking, laundry (my normal stuff) but on top of that there's the outside stuff to do. I have someone to mow but there is weeding, leaky gutters, wash the car, bikes, BBQ, fences all the things Jim used to do I either try to do it myself or have to ask for help. I know there are people who want to help me but sometimes I just feel like I've already asked too much and I don't want to burden or wear out my welcome with them. And don't get me started on childcare... every time I want or need to do something I have to find someone to watch the kids. I feel like I spend so much time on getting things done and not enough time with the kids that I don't deserve time to myself. And they don't always like it when I leave. The rational part of me knows that I'll go crazy if I don't get 'me time' but my emotional side feels conflicted.
I know that when school starts thing will be a bit easier. I'll have 3 hours a day to focus on non-kid things and that will give me better attitudes and more able to focus on my kids.
Thank you for all you've done in praying to our Father for me. I know with out Him I am nothing and it is only by His grace that I am surviving.
I am thankful for so many things... here a just a few.
I don't have to work - God took care of that once again!
My kids are healthy
We have had fun this summer.
God loves me.
I haven't really lacked for anything.
I've great friends here in Fairbury and around the world
Fully Trusting Him,
Karla
