New Normal

Today I turn 40. A big year birthday!!! Jim would have not doubt made it special and probably surprised me with some sort of party too. In anticipation of this day I made sure the kids knew I would be home to celebrate with them and I let Abby plan what and how the day would go...

I had a blast today!!! It was wonderful and I thought I would share a bit about it with you...

Woke up to Jimmy coming in for a cuddle before the official wake up time of 6:30am.

After a bit we shared a little conversation...

Me: Jimmy what day is it?
Jimmy: Wednesday (way to go preschool!)
Me: Well, what did you do last night with grandpa and Abby?
Jimmy: Bake a cake!!!
Me: Who was it for?
Jimmy: YOU!!!
Me: So what does that make today?
Jimmy: WEDNESDAY!!

You've gotta love a 3 year old! At breakfast Abby wanted me to open my gift which was a Willowtree girl with blue birds on her arms. Beautiful!!

After dropping the kids off at school I went for a massage (Abby H. you are fab!!!) and then showered and went to the chiropractor for an adjustment (since I was soooooo loose from the massage!)

Deb and I went out to lunch at a cute little place in Hebron (30 min away). There we found a thrift store and a few 'couldn't-live-without' treasures. Had lunch and then found a fabric/gift/coffee shop and had a pumpkin pie latte! YUM!

Came home and had time to go pick up Abby. We dressed up in fancy dresses and opened another gift and just hung out.

Then went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner and took the cake Abby and Grandpa had made with us. Shared the meal with Deb (bummer Loren had to work late) and came home. Got the kids to bed and started to finish my Bible Study when I got a call from Matthea (youth leader) he and a bunch of youth came to sing for me! What a wonderful way to end a great day!

All throughout the day, Abby and Jimmy kept wishing me a happy birthday. I was given a 40 tiara at my surprise party on Saturday which I proudly wore most of the day (until it hurt too much)!

My heart is full! Yet... there is still a spot that remains empty. Jim's love of making my birthday special was definitely missing today. I didn't cry or even really mourn it until the youth group was leaving. Then, with my heart as full as possible the empty spot begged to be noticed. I cried but only for a moment. Not because I didn't want to cry on my birthday but because I realized that my heart WAS full. Just knowing and remembering all the great birthdays with Jim was enough to put a smile back on my face. I am truly a blessed women!

I am taking a Bible Study/support group in Lincoln on Tuesday nights. It's called Grief Share and it's just what I need! It's affirming me in that I am moving along in my grief, slowly but surly one day at a time. Last night we talked about a 'new normal'. Life will never be the same because Jim isn't coming back. Things can't be the same so I am learning to adapt to my new normal. Today, celebrating my birthday in a fun but different way, was a new normal for me.

Thank you God for the constant reminder of Your presence in my life! You are guiding me in Your Truth and showing me everyday through Your Word and the people in my life that Your perfect plan for me is unfolding every moment of every day! You truly are worthy of my praise and devotion! Thank you for showing/providing/leading me in my new normal life.

Fully Trusting Him - Psalm 31:14

Karla

Philippians stepped on my toes (in a good way)

Okay Keith R this one's for you...

Phil 4:13 is a verse we all cling to when our own strength seems to be gone but do you realize the progression of the verses before that one that can get us to the place where we can say... 'I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength'? God has shown me this over the past few days!!! His word is amazing as always!

v 4 rejoice always! then
v 6 be anxious for nothing but in prayer give thanks!
v 8 think on theses things is really only possible when we give thanks and rejoice first.
v11 contentment is attainable when we think on the right things, rejoice and give thanks!
v 13 and because I've learned to be content, think right, give thanks and rejoice I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!!!!!!!!

Just thought I'd share what God's teaching me today. Things here are going well. I have my good and bad days but overall we're adjusting. The kids going to school has helped and so has some help from my chiropractor.

I'll update on stuff later. But thanks for continuing to pray for us. God is an amazing God who is my constant guide and companion.

Love you all! Fully trusting Him,

Karla

Apples

So many things have happened since my last post. Where do I begin.

We have been on vacation for the majority of June...

A trip to Texas to see beloved friends and my brother and sister-in-law. We stayed with my BFF's mom and also spent a few days with a dear friend on her blueberry farm. During that time in Texas I was at WalMart picking up some fruit and decided to get some apples. If any of you knew Jim, he ate at least two apples a day. I hadn't bought them since he died. So here I was standing in WalMart's produce section picking apples the way he like to and it hit me. I don't get to buy apple for him ever again. Right there at the apple cart I started crying uncontrollably. I actually laughed about it after but at the time I was so overwhelmed with sorrow. Well, I finished picking out my fruit and headed to get some other things still crying but still shopping. I really didn't care what anyone thought about it.. As I was heading to the register to check out, a large black man came directly toward me with a determined look on his face. Now I'm not the prejudice type but for a moment it set me on guard. Come to find out he was concerned for me when he saw me crying over apples. It was sweet of someone to "make sure I was okay because I was obviously upset about something".

The rest of our time in Texas was bitter-sweet as well. Our anniversary 6/6 was spent at our old church being loved on by people who knew Jim. He had preached there several times while in seminary. Followed by a baptism of some girls who were in Jim's first VBS group at that church. By the end of the day I was exhausted from the emotional roller-coaster I rode that day.

All in all Texas was great and it was great to have my mom with us the whole time. She's been such a great support to me.

We got home, unpacked washed clothes, repacked and two days later all 4 of us got on a plane for California. We spent the next 2 1/2 weeks visiting family and friends. I was blessed to baptize Jehnie and Abby in my Dad's pool with family looking on. Had 3 family reunions and went to Disneyland. Although the trip was very much needed for me, it was rough on the kids being in different places so many nights and in the car for long days. In turn makes it rough on Mommy because she has cranky kids and is a bit emotionally cranky herself!

It was good to be home and not living out of a suitcase, driving someone else's car, eating at fast food too much... but as I walked through the door to our home I was flooded with so many memories of Jim and HOW MUCH I missed him.

There are many women I know who complain about their husbands not helping out with the kids or house or laundry, but Jim was such a great help to me that now I feel so overwhelmed with all I have to do with cleaning, cooking, laundry (my normal stuff) but on top of that there's the outside stuff to do. I have someone to mow but there is weeding, leaky gutters, wash the car, bikes, BBQ, fences all the things Jim used to do I either try to do it myself or have to ask for help. I know there are people who want to help me but sometimes I just feel like I've already asked too much and I don't want to burden or wear out my welcome with them. And don't get me started on childcare... every time I want or need to do something I have to find someone to watch the kids. I feel like I spend so much time on getting things done and not enough time with the kids that I don't deserve time to myself. And they don't always like it when I leave. The rational part of me knows that I'll go crazy if I don't get 'me time' but my emotional side feels conflicted.

I know that when school starts thing will be a bit easier. I'll have 3 hours a day to focus on non-kid things and that will give me better attitudes and more able to focus on my kids.

Thank you for all you've done in praying to our Father for me. I know with out Him I am nothing and it is only by His grace that I am surviving.

I am thankful for so many things... here a just a few.

I don't have to work - God took care of that once again!

My kids are healthy

We have had fun this summer.

God loves me.

I haven't really lacked for anything.

I've great friends here in Fairbury and around the world

Fully Trusting Him,

Karla

I guess it's time to share again. Today is another special day on my calendar... Quatro de Mayo.

It started as just an ordinary day many years ago but ended with a tradition. Jim and I went on a walking date. We lived a simple life early on and our dates were usually walking to a place to eat near by. That night we walked to Taco Bell and ate off of the then .59.79.99 menu and walked home. Jim usually snuck in a candle and matches because we most often ate by candlelight at home so why should this be any different. When I asked him what we were celebrating he said "Quatro de Mayo" and thus became the holiday celebrated every year and marked on the TK calendar.

I've started reading another lady's blog. She lost her husband in an accident 3 years ago and a mutual friend passed it on to me. She mentioed in her blog about making the special days like anniversaries and birtdays special in a new way with her kids. I think its a great idea but I'm not sure I'm ready to start that yet. She also mentioned something about Grief Share so I looked it up. It was just what I needed to see. It's a biblically based grief group. I get a daily email and in the fall I'll join a small group bible study to help me process this. One of the daily emails said I should identify my losses. There are so many right now but I'm going to try.

Since my last post in April, I've hit several milestones losses. Each time brings me right back to what's missing. Jim. Jehnie having her baby, planning our vacation, driving by myself on the long trip to Colorado to see her, holding my new grand-baby and loving on her family. My first thoughts are "Jim should have been here" but I know that's actually not correct. God's purpose for taking Jim are not for me to wish away. My heart is learning to say instead "Jim would have loved this"

My losses:

my garbage emptier

my lawn mowerer

my bike repairer

my hand holder

my dinner partner

my lover

my friend

my car washer

a shoulder to cry on

my pastor

my teacher

my friend

my prayer partner

my silly song man

the one who really sees me

the father of my kids

I can't do anymore right now but know that I am at a loss. I really don't know what to feel except disconnected and like a part of me is missing. People ask me how I'm doing and I always say I'm haning in there. There is a song by the Ruppes that's called Hold on to Hope. That's where I am. Holding on to the hope that God's plan is for my good. I may not see it for a long time but I KNOW it's there.

Psalm 31:14 Lord, I trust you. I have said, “You are my God.” My life is in your hands!!

Thank you for listening.

a Psalm of my beloved

All around me

The winds whip and howl

and fierce torrents rage.

Many are battered and swept away.

Still I trust in you Lord

You are my stronghold

Your hands hold back the fury

They buoy me up amidst the torrent

Oh, my God

You are my shelter

You keep me safe in the stormy times

You comfort met through the thunders

You are the covering over my head

Your walls keep me dry

Though the day is dark,

I praise you

Though clouds blot out the sky

I thank you

As rumors obscure the horizon,

I worship you

Cries of despair fill my ears,

In faith, I sing to you

You fill my soul with peace

Your praise fills my mouth

Your love makes my heart beat

Your strength courses through my bones

Your word fills my mind with truth

Your peace conquers anger

Your praise is louder than the thunder

Your love is purer than fresh spring water

Your strength made all that is

Your truth defeats the worries and uncertainties of this world

As the storm rages.

I cling to the Rock

One thing I know;

It will never change;

It will defeat all efforts of the enemy;

It is true through my problems, trial and failures;

It was true;

It is true;

It will always be true -

Jesus loves me

And I will always love Him.

written by Jim Cutts sometime between 1994 and 1998

I found this in the Bible he used when we met. Jehnie wanted the Bible because it was the one she remembered him reading. When I went through it, this was there.

Funny how appropriate and relevant it is for me now.

Realization

Last night I was putting Jimmy to bed. We turn on his music and rock for a bit and then he usually asks to get in bed. We pray and then say goodnight. Well last night was a bit different. He asked me to tell him a story about himself. I was caught off guard... Jim was the story teller and it was all I could do to get a little story out without crying. I couldn't stop thinking about how many silly stories he won't hear from his Daddy. How I'm going to have to fill in that part somehow and teach him things dad's are supposed to teach their kids, especially boys.

Something really big hit me yesterday. No not a rock or anything like that.... it was the realization that I now carry the sole responsibility of raising two kids spiritually and physically and emotionally. I've been working overtime with Abby and I think it's exasperating her. I had to back off of something I was ranting on about last night. Being selfish I think. I don't want to neglect their spiritual growth but I also don't want to so pound it down that they turn me off. Jim seemed to always have the right thing to say in a way that wasn't harsh. I can't seem to find that gift yet.

Lord, give me the wisdom I need at each moment to train my kids for your glory. I don't know what I'm doing but I want to do YOUR best for them.

Amen

stuff

4/8 Thursday was a bittersweet day and a several realizations were made known.

First, I got to go to the Casting Crowns worship service. I say worship service because it was more than a show/concert. I was taken to the presence of the Lord in worship with some really good singers. I didn't realize how much I needed to get away for a few hours. I was totally exhausted the next day but the time away was what I needed.

Second, Abby and Jimmy weren't ready for me to be gone that long. I know I need to take care of myself too but to see their reactions to my leaving and then the next morning, made me realize I also need to think about them too. Yes I need my time but not that long of a time away just yet.

++++++++++

4/9 Some days just seem normal until it hits 5:15 and the phone doesn't ring. Jim would call and say "I'm crossing E street" or "I'm walking up the alley now". I didn't realize just how much I truly loved and wanted him until he was gone. Cherish the gift God has given you if you're married. Love the little things that happen everyday and don't stop telling your love just how much he/she means to you.

+++++++++++

4/10 had a great day working outside!! Re-did a flower bed. Cleaned out the garage and had friends over for junky bad for you but O-So-Yummy finger foods for supper.

+++++++++++

4/12 Today was a crappy day!!!! Started physically a bummer if you know what I mean. That lead to the thought of not having Jim anymore. So I felt bad all day physically and emotionally. Then Abby didn't do something and got in trouble and I didn't handle part of it well. It all ended well but this single parenting thing is really hard. Then she got all weepy and sad about Jim and then I had to put on my happy face for her to comfort her. Bummer day! On the bright side it was 80 and breezy and sunny today!

Father, today is one of those days I just don't understand why. Why did you ask me to be the one left here? Jim would have handled things so much better than I am! Why does it have to hurt so deeply? You put us together and we loved each other so deeply. It stinks now that there's a big whole in my heart. I don't want the answers because they really don't matter. I know I won't know them anyway, this side of heaven, but this life right now is hard. I feel like I can't take much more today but I know that because of Your Great Love for me I WILL NOT be consumed! (Lam 3:22) Thank You for Mom, whom You prompted to call me at just the right time, and for friends who mowed my lawn!!! You are the great provider and I love You! This life would be so unbearable without You.

Jesus, thank you for providing a way for me to see Jim again. I know that's not the reason you died but today it gives me hope. Knowing that when you return, Jim will come too. Come quickly Jesus!

Spirit, how true your character is to me today! Comforter and Intercessor. When I don't know how to pray You speak for me.

In Jesus Name!
Amen

Easter

This last weekend hit me hard. Not only was it Easter and the first holiday Jim wasn't here to share but April 2nd was "rose garden day" It was the day Jim proposed 13 years ago. I know it sounds funny to celebrate that every year but... that's what we did. Let me tell you why.

When Jim and I started dating and people would ask us the who, what, where, WHEN, how questions, I ALWAYS rememberd the dates that significant things happened. Like, when he asked me to dinner, when he held my hand, when he told me his feelings changed etc. Also, I liked to remind him on the 22nd of each month that it was so many # of months til my birthday. Well that first birthday in 1996 he gave me a Thomas Kincade calendar. I loved it and looked through all the paintings until he asked..."did you read the calendar?" I then looked at each month and there on the 22nd was a countdown til my birthday. Also the significant days I had remembered in our relationship.(he really rememberd them too) as well as a bunch of goofy stuff. I got a TK calendar EVERY year with more and more fun silly romantic things added. Yes you guessed it. I have 14 calendars!!!! Well, after we were engaged (4/2/97) it showed up on 1998's calendar and every year since.

I say all this to let you know how much our relationship meant to both of us. We had a story for everything and loved sharing it with anyone who would listen.

Thank you for hearing my heart.

Welcome

Hello, it was suggested to start writing my thoughts and such to help with processing Jim's death and my feelings. So here I go...

It's been 4 weeks since Jim went to be with Jesus. I can't believe how empty my life is without him. Part of me is gone and I don't know what to do. Fortunately I have two lifelines keeping me going.

First, without Jesus Christ in my life I would be a wreck. It's only by His grace that I can stand and praise my God even in the worst of circumstances. He has been my sustainer and the source of my hope. From the beginging His heartbeat continued to be all I can hear since my is broken. Praise God for his Word and his kids who have supported me in amaxzing ways. He is my faithful Father and Friend.

Second, is my kids. If I didn't have them to take care of I probably would still be in bed. They give me a reason to get up and carry on with life.

This Easter has more significance to me now that I've lost Jim... The hope of the resurrection is truer more than ever before. Looking forward to Jesus' return also means I'll see Jim again too!

Come LORD quickly!

Thanks for listening and walking this journey with me. -Karla